AS IT IS IN 2007

I am writing this in the first person as my personal letter to you, signed Fem Underwood.

This is a bit of a diversion from the usual individual life stories in Recipes for Living, but it seems fitting, for it is about lives of too many of today's children. Please be aware that I know there are still wonderful homes with caring parents, but that is not true for all.

It is probable that readers will be able to recall their years of growing up and the differences between then and now. I have had the privilege of living many years (92 at this time) and being of a philosophical nature, have noted those differences, particularly as they affect the lives of children. They do not live in the world we grew up in. The situations many of them live with every day, we have never had to face in our whole lives. How much I have learned through writing life stories, which are combined into the Recipes for Living books, will become evident. As a conclusion, I am submitting a possible, if partial solution, that I hope will bolster the patience of readers to forge on through the solemn reality of the following pages.

Demise of the Family Farm

May I state up-front that money is not the issue. There are more subtle factors involved. Sometime in the 1960s, I was assigned a Christmas lesson for a church women's group. It occurred to me to ask each one present "What was the best Christmas you can remember?" What I hadn't expected was that in every case, these women who lived during the Depression (late 1920s and early 1930s), counted those the best Christmases. The reasons, "We didn't expect to get anything so whatever we received was a surprise." "We couldn't go to the store to buy something to give so we wrote promises. For instance, "I will wash the dishes... I will take care of (a younger sibling) ...I will clean up my room without being told.". These gifts required thought, ingenuity, empathy, and a giving of oneself.

There are many issues related to the loss of the family farm. For instance, in the earlier part of the 20th century, it provided for the families' needs. Deb Van Heeswyk stated succinctly how it was, "We grew everything we ate." Throughout the 11 years of writing life stories of local people, many have told about that lifestyle.

Consider the factors: Every family member was a participant. Soil had to be made ready for planting crops and gardens, followed by weeding and harvesting, while in the kitchens food was preserved by canning or freezing then made ready for hearty meals which families ate together. Even in the mention of only that segment of life, differences are awesome.

I lived in this area when Alan Teel was the Extension Service Director. He told me that their work would be changing radically as he observed that because of the low return for crops, the family farm was becoming extinct. It would no longer support a family. Instead of the Extension Service being primarily involved in education, it would be aimed more toward counseling. With inadequate income, he foresaw fear and insecurity being dominant factors. Farmers faced the threat of total disruption of their life-style. Husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, trying to find answers would be forced to seek supplementary employment.

That in itself created a major change. The traditional role of women as home-makers changed. A recent statistic showed 82% of women in the work force. Perhaps it is even higher now.  While the Women's Liberation Movement had some good effects - in some homes, men have accepted more responsibility with child care and housework, the tendency has been to downplay the respect for the traditional role of women.

In Catherine Marshall's collection of Peter Marshall's messages in "Mr. Jones, Meet the Master," is one entitled, ''Keepers of the Spring." He pictured a stream that began high on a mountain and ran down to provide the community's drinking water. Up on the mountain lived a little old man, who for a slight remuneration by the city government, kept the water pure by clearing it of dead foliage and animals. However, as the city fathers examined the budget, they saw no need of payment to someone whose person or work they never saw. Years later strange illnesses for which there seemed to be no cure began occurring in lives of the townspeople, but they did not realize the cause was polluted water. Peter Marshall regarded women as the Keepers of the Spring, with the role of keeping the culture cleared of that which is trashy. When women neglect this traditional role, the culture sickens. Food for thought.

In many cases, children arrive home from school to an empty house. The term "latch-key kids," has been coined. Instead of our memories of being greeted by a parent, usually the mother, and an afternoon snack, now teachers know first hand of children in their rooms who have nothing to eat except what they are served at school. In describing the lives of some of the children she comes to know through her work as Juvenile Court Officer, Sue Steams, (in Volume 9, 2004 edition of Recipes for Living) listed some of the conditions they face - not knowing who will be in bed with mom or dad, if there is going to be food in the house or if they must try to find some. One teacher told of a child who said if a check came in the mail that day, they could buy groceries. The next day the report was that the check had not come so they still had no food. This is not in some foreign land. It is here and now in the county in which we live!

In her story in the current edition (2007) of Recipes for Living, Dianne Riley, retired Director of SCICAP (South Central Iowa Community Action Program) Head Start, mentioned her regard for the importance of the family sitting down together for meals, reminding me of the important, subtle, unintentionally-taught lessons I learned by listening to and participating in family conversations at those times. Employed parents, plus the television factor, has lessened those opportunities. Home cooked meals from home grown produce has been replaced with fast food items, with attendant lack of nutrition. A recent article suggested that instead of fruit and vegetables being picked and served after they had been ripened by nature, they have been replaced by those picked "green" and ripened in truck or warehouse. Taste, nutrition, and the cooking aroma are subsequently lost. In some cases, chemically produced food and drink have simulated the original.

There are other situations. From the window of my home office, every weekday I used to observe a pick-up truck delivering several children to a sitter at 5:00 a.m. It takes little imagination to picture what preceded that delivery - the time the parents or a single parent had to be up to dress for work, eat?, rouse the children for their transition from home to sitter. What of family time," notes teachers intended to be read the previous night, etc.?

There was one situation when I was volunteering at elementary school and saw a pretty little girl with lovely blond hair that had been neglected for so long it was matted. I spoke to the teacher about it and found that the child's single mom had to leave home at 5:00 every morning to be at her job. This left the child, probably about age eight, to get herself up, dressed, fed?, and to school by whatever means, on her own initiative. Every day these children must make decisions that you and I probably haven't had to make in our entire lifetime.

When children complain of being bored, of having nothing to do, I believe they are subconsciously referring to something productive, perhaps something for which they can be paid. They are not wrong. For teenage boys, at one time there was farm work for which they could be hired. There were lawns to mow, snow to shovel. I am at fault, and I certainly can't speak for everyone but I hire dependable adults to do mine. Our son Van had a wonderful education as a paper boy. That job is no longer open to young people. With imagination and intentional thought, there would be projects young people could help with, whether or not payment is involved. With these opportunities could come a feeling of being involved, having a part in doing rather than always being "done for" - or not done for. Accountability, punctuality, perhaps learning what is involved in preparation could all be products of such experience.

In 1965, when our children were in school, I noticed a number of drop-outs. It seemed to me that a reason might be an underlying motive of college preparation. Those who had no intention of going to college for lack of ability or funds, saw no incentive in continuing. An ecumenical group of ladies of a common inclination devised a plan to help them. We were given office space in the courthouse, and publicized our intention. In those years there were still farmers who put up hay or had field work the boys could help with. People called needing help with house work and this sort of activity.

It was at this time that Miller Products came to town, and our excitement was high! All these young people could be put to work! The interviewer came to our office and told us to send in applicants one at a time. "However,” he said, "Don't send me any dropouts. We are a company with work to do. We are not here to babysit and we have no use for those who are not disciplined in punctuality, work habits, or accountability." It was understandable but very discouraging. We lasted almost an entire year, but being totally dependent upon volunteers, with no one actually in charge, I think we did well to continue that long. That type of work has been taken over by government agencies. We did what we could.

Addictions

When there are fear and insecurity, artificial means of dependency set in. Alcoholism has been regrettable but it has now given way to methamphetamine addiction. Anne Diehl told in her story in the current Recipes for Living, that during her 3 1/2 years on the nursing staff of a hospital unit that dealt with this problem, it gradually changed from alcohol to methamphetamine.  She said, "I remember saying one night, 'What I would give to see a good old-fashioned alcoholic!'  I mean no disrespect to the people. It's a hereditary disease, but the meth epidemic was horrible then and it still is. I hope some day they find a way to stop it. I've seen young kids, 13 and 14 years old, hauled in. I saw a grandma, the same age as I, brought in, having been turned in by her own daughter so the daughter wouldn't be arrested. It was mind boggling! "

In the 2004 edition, one story was entitled, "Mother of An Addict." She told of her son, in his younger years - "the most perfect, normal, innocent, adorable child ever born. I suppose every mother thinks that of her baby, but he really was. He was quiet, polite, and entertained himself very well. He seemed to get along well with children his own age as well as adults...We never had any problems throughout his entire schooling. He did wonderfully well...I remember him saying, at the beginning of his senior year, "I don't fit in. There are preppies and druggies, and I don't belong in either group." However, it was during that year when he started using drugs and I didn't have a clue...

"The very first usage is addictive because of the euphoria, but it damages the system, and each time it requires more and more meth in an attempt to get that same kind of result. It never happens again...To my knowledge, he wasn't using very often when he graduated from high school, but things were not going well at home. He was not following my curfew. Money and savings began disappearing. I took his wheels away from him, and our home life - everything, went downhill. His drug usage turned into severe addiction ..." He has been in and out of treatment but the mother had high hopes for him for about a year when he was drug free, employed, living independently; but he relapsed again and is in yet another facility, at this point spending 23 of every 24 hours in a cell.

"52% of Marriages Fail"

Certainly not every marriage can be expected to result in "happily ever after." I asked a pastor whose wisdom I regarded highly, how he read the portion of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5:31-32 and Mark 10:2-9, and his answer was that he could not condemn to a life of misery an incompatible couple who had erred in their choice of a mate. The current percentage, however, is a shocking assessment of our culture. Whether or not a reader will give credence to the following account, it is taken from the book Angels on Assignment written in 1979, by Charles and Frances Hunter as told to them by Ronald Buck. Pastor Buck experienced angels who appeared to him with a message from God, who announced through them that the end is near and Satan, in his panic, has chosen to attack what is closest to God's heart, the home.

What of the children in the case of a failed marriage? A four-year old child was acting antagonistically one day, which was not characteristic of her. I later asked if there was a reason and was told the father and mother were divorcing. Certainly a frightening disruption in the life of this child and others, who sometimes are called to choose with which parent they will live. Or perhaps it is resolved as joint custody, a constant interruption of routine. Often there is a remarriage of either one or both spouses in which case the child is living with one who is not a birth-parent. Will he or she be loved and protected?  Where in the scale of importance will his or her wants and needs be considered? Mental, physical, and even sexual abuse are not unheard of

One day I went to volunteer in a classroom - was total chaos. One child had a water bottle and was squirting the other children who were screaming and trying to get away. I later learned that the mother had "run off with her boyfriend, dumping her two children with her mother." Later she gave birth to a new baby. How can children be expected to behave in an orderly way? How can they be expected to study and learn when home conditions are so uncertain? I was at Head Start one day when the Director was checking the children's knowledge of their identity. When she called on them by first name, they were to say their last name and then they could be dismissed to wash their hands for lunch. One child could have given any one of four last names and understandably didn't know which answer to give.

The uncertainties children face, mentioned by Sue Steams in her court work - some children going home not knowing if there will be food, or who will be in bed with mom or dad, or if they will be beaten for a reason unknown to them - have made me, (Fern, not Sue) wonder if the eventual outcome will be institutionalizing children to give them all an equal chance.

It is a startling fact that close to 50%, (one half!) of the elementary children are eligible for free or reduced price lunches in both Clarke and Murray schools, which indicates that the family income is at or below the poverty level. When that is placed alongside the realization of costs associated with registrations for activities, (swimming, summer ball, music or dance lessons, and on and on) it becomes evident that early in life children know whether they are in the “haves" or "have nots" category. When this inequality was mentioned to Ken Baker, former president of the Clarke County State Bank, he recommended applying for a Pillars grant. It was allowed and a committee has now been functioning for several years, providing equal opportunities to those who qualify.  It is a band-aid. The problem goes much deeper.

Again referring to my education through listening to life stories, many of those who shared told about rural schools, which were phased out in favor of consolidation in the 1990s. In 1997-1999, representatives of the Clarke Area Retired School Personnel Association and Clarke County Historical Society researched and published 14 books about the rural schools that had been and no longer were in use. They were located two miles apart so transportation was provided by parents or the students walked. Of course, there was much to be desired, but in their favor was that the teacher knew every student and his or her capabilities and potential, as well as being acquainted with their parents. Whenever there was an event, each child was given a part in the performance.  In one-room schools, part of the students were studying while others were reciting, thus giving the lower grades an opportunity to hear what was ahead and the higher grades an opportunity for review. If there were a sports or musical competition, it was usual for every student to have a part. This was lost in consolidation, in which only the best are chosen. I
Police Chief Marty Duffus believes we will have achieved a worthy goal when we have found a way to incorporate the benefits of the rural school into those that are consolidated. Murray Community School is attempting that with much success.

In the introduction, I mentioned a possible, partial solution. When I first became aware of what I have noted, a teacher said, "All these little kids really need is to know somebody cares about them." I said, "I can do that," and began going to school to listen to children read. In the process I became acquainted with the children and loved each one.

As time went on, I saw the progress in reading skills, and began to realize that what had been gained could well be lost in three months vacation. I shared my concern with a group called "Family First,'' which met monthly at 7:00 a.m. on a specified morning, and Stacey McWilliams said, "You should talk to Dianne Riley." I did that immediately and she asked, "Could you meet this afternoon?" Absolutely. "Would it be all right if I brought my friend, Joan Peterson?" Of course. We sat at my table and I noticed a difference from the usual. Instead of "You could do this or this" they said, "We could..." and from Dianne's experience, Joan as a retired elementary school teacher, and I with a caring heart and acquaintances of the same inclination, began plans. The idea evolved into a project in which children and volunteer readers are paired to read together for a specified time on dates after school was dismissed for the summer.

It needed to be cleared through the school. Superintendent Ned Cox gave his approval, and Mrs. (Evelyn) Richardson, elementary school counselor, went with me to talk with Mr. (Dan) Thomas, Principal. He was non-committal until I said there would be no cost to the school. We have now had our fifth year of the program, and not only have we had the approval but encouragement each year as the program has grown. The dates were the four Tuesdays in June, when children and volunteers came from 9:30 to 11:00 a.m. and were paired up to read, visit, snack, or whatever suited them. There were 86 students who took part, and 85 volunteers who were full­time or substitutes. Nine were given time off from their jobs by a business or service agency. Five high school students volunteered with hours credited to their silver cord program. At the close, each child was given a gift - this year two books. These and money for snacks are paid for by a grant from COPPS (Clarke County Organization of Philanthropically Services.)

The children love it, the adults love it, and we, the arrangers, love watching the couples bond. Even though my thought was helping children's continuity in reading skill, another thought a benefit would be to give children the realization that reading can be fun, not just assigned class work. It became evident that this was an opportunity for children and adults to come to know someone of a different age group, and to give children the rare chance to have the total attention of an adult for a longer-than-usual period of time. It has been a rich experience.

Search Institute of Minneapolis had devoted their time to a study of the situation of young people, and in the late 1990s recommended 40 "developmental assets, building blocks of healthy development that help young people grow up healthy, caring, and responsible." They were printed in Recipes for Living, the 4th volume, done in 1999, but reduced to a few summary phrases they say what the teacher said, "Care for them." Respect them.  Speak to them, converse with them. Let them know you regard them as a vital part of the community.

Dianne reminded me of a deceased friend, Melvin Goeldner, who mastered this. He worked with young people throughout his life, and in his later years, as he came to church on Sunday mornings, he spoke of every child telling them how happy he was that they had brought their parents to church that day. He frequently used the mail to send notes to children and adults, perhaps to send them a clipping that pertained to them. He hired young people to help with his outdoor work, teaching them about the trees and plants they worked with. They knew he cared for them. At the close of Read Along, Dianne noted that a sixth grade boy gave his evaluation that he "liked coming because everyone was so friendly and nice." She thought it must have been unusual for him to have noticed. It takes no extra time to be "friendly and nice," and it can make such a difference in the lives of those to whom it happens, and even to the person who portrays it.

My personal response to this subject matter comes from the belief that lives are meant to be purposeful, that there are reasons for what is. Much of what I regret to see and hear, I regard as consequences of the permissive style our culture has allowed, which I saw happening about mid­century. But I also believe a solution has been provided. Because of many factors - more health ­ consciousness, more medical and medication expertise, the life span has been extended amazingly. When a friend admitted her mother to a retirement facility several years ago, the median age was 107. What are we to do with those years? Care for our children! What could be a better use of the time that has been granted to us?

Return to main page for Recipes for Living 2007 by Fern Underwood

Last Revised October 24, 2013